Revelations on the Elder Gods
Collected, Translated and Trascribed by Rev. Samatari the Multiple, Minister of the Cosmic Octopus
The creation of this calendar follow chronologically the events narrated in the Astronauticon. This text has been translated from a Tolemaic tile with hieroglyphic inscriptions in stucco preserved in a cellar beneath the Basilica dei Santi Quattro Coronati (Sancti Quatuor Coronati) in Rome, which the author managed to access. No text has been omitted or altered.
Texts written in italics are translator’s notes.
The force unleashed during the Great Wipe Out of the Illuminati was devastating, of a magnitude never experienced before. The frequency of the solar system shifted. The rotation and revolution speed of the Earth, and of all other Planets, underwent decelerations and accelerations, remaining inconsistent for long periods. As a result, the length of days and seasons continuously changed, even within the same solar year. Earth faced an era of great instability, with sudden and violent temperature variations. Ice ages alternated with abrupt years of drought and intense heat. Humans, Subgenii, animals, and plants lost their sense of time. They were in total confusion. The circadian cycle had been compromised.
Yehovah1, who caused the disruption, also took it upon himself to re-stabilize the Earth and the entire Solar System, re-establishing natural cycles, as the Cosmic Octopus was busy in tripping with muscimol-hallucinogenic galaxies . However, the new cycles were different from those that existed in the ages before the Great Wipe Out. So, Yehovah1 decided to create a new temporal order, a new calendar based on the current frequencies of Earth and the beings inhabiting it.
Quetzalco-atl proposed a division based on lunar cycles, but Wotan preferred to opt for a solar calendar.
Thus, he divided the year into 365 days and 5 weeks, without further subdividing the day. He left this task to the Homini Correcti, who could divide the day however they wanted, based on their level of Slack.
Yehovah1 promised he would return to Earth on Dobbsday, Azathember 5, in the year 11053 YCO (Year of the Cosmic Octopus), declaring that this day would be X-day, the end of the world.
The calendar has ten months and five 73-day weeks.
The year of the Octopussian calendar is aligned with the Gregorian one and begins on March 1, thus Octopusday, Yehovember 1, 11079 YCO is January 1, 2024 AD.
The year consists of ten months, each month is dedicated to an Elder God :
1 – Yehovember, to Yehovah1, 31 days (March 1 – March 31)
2 – Hecatember, to Hecate, 30 days (April 1 – April 30)
3 – Biscuittember, to QUXZXZXZ’ZXZXZXUQ, 31 days (May 1 – May 31)
4 – Audhember, to Audhumbla, 30 days (June 1 – June 30)
5 – Azathember, to Azathoth, 31 days (July 1 – July 31)
6 – Ammember, to Amma, 30 days (August 1 – August 30)
7 – Erisember, to Eris, 31 days (August 31 – September 30)
8 – Atlember, to Quetzalco-atl, 30 days (October 1 – October 30)
9 – Shahmarember, to Shahmaran, 31 days (October 31 – November 30)
10 – Yogsothember, to Yog-Sothoth, 90/91 days (December 1 – February 28/29)
The week consists of 73 days, each day is dedicated to a holy entity :
1 – Octopusday, to the Cosmic Octopus
2 – Blissettsday, to Luther Blissett
3 – Claireday, to Claire Fontaine
4 – Eliotsday, to Karen Eliot
5 – Exterday, to Exter Bullshitt
6 – Connieday, to Connie Dobbs
7 – Chusday, to Chus Martinez
8 – Janetsday, to Janet Janet
9 – Sonyaday, to Sonya Brunzels
10 – Wingday, to Peg Wing
11 – Platypusday, to the Nuclear Platypus
12 – Muaday, to Frodo Muad’ib
13 – Tuahsday, to Hawk Tuah
14 – Zorgoday, to Zorgop
15 – Chaosday, to the Chaos Buddha
16 – Nashachday, to Nashach
17 – Romulusday, to Romulus
18 – Remusday, to Remus
19 – Wolfessday, to the Wolfess
20 – Watakameday, to Watakame
21 – Osirisday, to Osiris
22 – Isisday, to Isis
23 – Sophiaday, to Sophia
24 – Setherday, to Seth
25 – Nommoday, to Nommo
26 – Lebeday, to Lebé
27 – Mariday, to Mari
28 – Yetisday, to the Yetis
29 – Ishtarday, to Ishtar
30 – Basharday, to Bashar
31 – Ramthaday, to Ramtha
32 – Cainday, to Cain
33 – Zonday, to Zontar
34 – Yawehday, to Yaweh
35 – Kumarday, to Sanat Kumara
36 – Krsnaday, to Krsna
37 – Benzaday, to Benzaiden
38 – Agashday, to Agasha
39 – Caoday, to Dao Cai
40 – Koolday, to Djwal Kool
41 – Itharday, to Ithacar
42 – Vrillonday, to Vrillon
43 – Mojraday, to El Mojra
44 – Aetherday, to Aetherius
45 – Samjasday, to Samjase
46 – Chtulhuday, to Chtulhu
47 – Yemanday, to Yemanjà
48 – Mothsday, to the Moths
49 – Mapiday, to the Mapiguaris
50 – Shubniggurday, to Shub-Niggurath
51 – Yiday, to Yidhra
52 – Nyarladay, to Nyarlathotep
53 – Godzilladay, to Godzilla
54 – Dobbsday, to J. R. “Bob” Dobbs
55 – Gilgaday, to Gilgamesh
56 – Tubbiesday, to the Teletubbies
57 – Pelasday, to Pelasgus
58 – Hungday, to Hung Mung
59 – Vanday, to Dr. Van Van Mojo
60 – Syadasday, to Sri Syadasti
61 – Zarathusday, to Zarathud
62 – Malaclypseday, to Malaclypse the Elder
63 – Zalday, to Zalgo
64 – Heroday, to Herobrine
65 – Foobiday, to Foobi Kwanz
66 – Hagbarday, to Hagbard Céline
67 – Ravenday, to Lord Omar Khayyah Ravenhurst
68 – Moominday, to Moomin Troll
69 – Kuneday, to Kune Kune
70 – Tekeday, to Teke Teke
71 – Sasquatchday, to the Sasquatch
72 – Coleday, to Goody Cole
73 – Mercyday, to Mercy Brown
Every fourth year an extra day is inserteed between Yogsothember 90 and Yehovember 1, called Goatseday. The leap year coincides withe Gregorian one. The result of this is that any given day of the year in the calendar may be taken to correspond to the same day of the year in the Gregorian calendar and vice versa. Goatseday is considered outside the week. Every year begins with Octopusday.
Sacred Texts of the Cosmic Octopus 